My pastor challenged me yesterday.
He mentioned that the divide between the old year and the new was a good time
to take stock of what you’ve achieved (or failed to achieve) during your last
trip around the sun—and what you expect to get out of the next one.
Man, I hate it when he does that.
See, by preference, I’m a drifter.
I prefer my achievements to float up in front of me like logs on the flume ride
at Six Flags—dead center and obvious, get on if you want, no pressure, it’s
nice and slow. If I don’t manage to catch that particular one, there’s always
another one arriving with a small splash about thirty seconds later. There's only one channel to ride. No
failures. No missed opportunities. No regrets.
But I got challenged to a
retrospective. And if you look back at last year—really look—my life looked
less like a log ride and more like piloting a jet ski through some tricky sandbars
during a glowingly thick fog... on the ocean.
Heeeere we go! Full steam ahead,
sixty minutes an hour, seven days a week, and oh, yeah, the brakes don’t work
so great anymore. Yes, I have a partial map, but with the wind, and the spray,
and the fact that I can only see about six feet in front of me... I think I
missed a few turns. Scraped some paint off the bottom. One of the gauges is
cracked. I might have wound up in entirely wrong part of the ocean—it’s hard to
tell. There’s too many drops clinging to my crooked glasses to see much of
anything.
All water looks alike at half an
inch.
Okay, the metaphor ran away from
me... just like last year. In retrospect: I really didn’t mean to wind up in
this chair at this moment, I had other plans. I was going to have a different
roommate, be dating a really nice girl, have way more money in the bank, and
probably no longer be working a full-time graveyard shift during school. Oh, and I
was going to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay holier. The complaining and the envy and
the slothfulness—gone. I was going to be God’s perfect child by now.
(I’m picturing the Father smirking
behind his hand, like you do when your two-year old announces that she is going
to cook breakfast “all by herself!” Sure, kid. Knock yourself out. Just don’t
put your spoon in the microwave with the Fruit Loops.)
Did I have a banner year? Not
really. I’m still single. I’m still mildly in debt and clawing my way above the
poverty line. I never made the dean’s list in school (of course, I never really
planned to). I sinned against a bunch of people, complained to a bunch more,
and was only as holy as I had to be most of the time. Depressing, isn’t it? (Maybe
I actually crashed the jet ski...)
But perspective is everything. It
wasn’t a bad year, either. I’m still
in one piece, relatively healthy, and making enough money to eat with, which is
more than a lot of folks can say. I got to watch my old roommate trade me out
for a fantastic wife. I’m learning great and wonderful things with a bunch of
joyful and reliable Christian people, day in and day out. I have a pastor who
gives me challenges (that hopefully lead to far more than blog posts!). I have reliable friends. I have a great, enormous family. And I
have a whole year ahead to give it another shot. So what if I’m dripping wet? I’m
in the water, where I’m supposed to be.
Where will I be a year from now?
God only knows. Possibly still in this chilly chair, single, with a different pesky roommate and more gnarly, tangled sins than anybody but Christ could count. But
maybe not. After all, if you’d told me four years ago that I’d be sitting here, I’d have laughed you out of the
room.
So here’s to Anno Domini MMXVIII. In prospect (can I do that?): This year I hope
to pay senior year down, begin to pay off my loans, be the best friend I can be
to my pals, write a lot more, read a lot more, come up with a senior thesis,
and not get any more cavities. And, shoot, maybe find a date. And while we’re
at it, I hope those close to me can look back and say, “Wow, James, you’ve
really grown more godly this year.” Feel free to hold me to that.
Toss me the keys to the jet ski. It’s
time to climb back on.
