Adoption Update: January 2025

Enough of my friends and acquaintances have asked me lately how the adoption process is going that I decided to write this up. That way, if you don’t know, it’s your own fault and not mine!

The basics first, to forestall any excitement—we are still waiting and have not matched with anyone. But I thought I would take the opportunity to describe a little bit about the modern process of adoption for those of you who don’t know. That way you’ll better know what to look for, and how to pray for the folks in your life in our situation.

 The Idea vs. the Reality

Orphans in NE, 1882. Just kidding...this is AI.
Good AI, too. They even have approximately the
right number of arms and fingers! Ain't 
technology amazing?

Before I launched into all this, my picture of adoption had largely been formed from 19th-century novels and ‘40s movies. A kid has parents who die or are unable to provide, and the kid winds up on the steps of an orphanage somewhere. It's probably run by a thin, stern lady who likes rapping children on the knuckles with a ruler. If our orphan is lucky, a caring set of parents arrive before long to give him a home, if not, he stays at the orphanage, living on charity, until he can move out and find his own way. He has little to no contact with his birth parents, unless he goes on a long detective hunt later, as an adult. This is, for instance, precisely how my grandfather became a Goode—he was left at an orphanage as a baby and adopted by a Texan couple, for which I will be forever grateful. 

(I mean, they could have been from Rhode Island. Imagine me as a Rhode Islander.)

That world got a mortal wound in 1935, when the federal government passed regulations dealing with Social Security, and had largely withered away by the 1960s. It was replaced by the foster care system--supposed to be safer (far more regulation), quicker (kids would usually stay with relatives rather than paid strangers), and far more humane (because amply funded by the federal and state government) than the charity-based orphanages. Orphanages have pretty much ceased to exist in the United States. So the next time you see one on a TV show, you should chuckle at the historical inaccuracy. Foster care is (I'm told) designed with parent-child reconciliation in mind. But when that is impossible, it can instead lead to adoption.

Most adoptions are now what are called "open"--that is, there is some form of contact between birth parents and the child after the adoption takes place. This can range from a yearly written update, to frequent texts and pictures, to regular visits. Gone are the days when a child had to go on a quest for his
heritage. While precise numbers are hard to find, around 25% of U.S. adoptions seem to come from the foster system--the rest are international or private. However, international adoption numbers are decreasing as many host countries crack down on the process or raise prices (it is often seen as Western exploitation). Molly and I didn't decide to go this route (yet) though; we decided to follow my in-law's lead and use an adoption agency in a domestic adoption. 

Adoption Agencies

The job of an adoption agency is largely to play the middleman in any adoption, the way child services does in foster care. Agencies have three main purposes: protect everyone involved from fraud, make sure all government regulations are followed, and advertising.

First, fraud. It's pretty easy to see that when the welfare of cute kids is involved, emotions can run pretty high--and we've all watched enough TV to know that when you want to run a con, high emotion is your friend. This fraud can happen on both ends, birth mom or adopting parents; there is a lot of money involved in adoption these days. Having an agency brings expertise. They know the danger signs, and they have experienced personnel (and a lot of checkpoints to jump through) to minimize the risks, both for moms and parents.

New York Foundling Orphanage, 1888
Wikimedia Commons

Second, regulations. This is probably the most irritating part of an adoption. I'm sure a lot of the red tape now in place proceeded from a genuine desire to protect vulnerable kids from bad situations, but it is reaching some rather silly levels. Illustration: we live in a little two-bedroom apartment, which comes with the standard smoke detector in the hallway. No room in the place is more than four feet away from that thing. I know it works; our stove--the furthest possible distance away from it--sets it off when the pancakes go sideways. Yet state regulations require that if our home is to be approved as suitable, we must have a smoke detector in every room where people sleep. So, in pristine example of "bureaucrat knows best" I now have three smoke detectors in an eight-foot radius. We have to re-clear a background check every year. We went through hours of online training. The list goes on...and on. Certified people have to come and check that all these little details are followed, and process all the paperwork that goes with it. This is no small part of the cost and time-loss involved in an adoption--an agency is needed to monitor and certify all of that.

Third, advertising. Basically, how do you make sure the people who want kids get matched up with the mothers who need some help? This is the biggest difference in cost between most adoption agencies--advertising extent and saturation. A nationwide or foreign agency costs more than a local one, because they coordinate more moving parts. For instance, Molly and I chose one that primarily works inside Idaho, which cuts down on the cost (because there are less regulations/reach to deal with). The disadvantage is that our wait may be longer, because we are dealing with a smaller potential pool. But once the agency matches a birth parent and adoptees, things usually go well.

Nuts and Bolts

So where are we at particularly? We've raised our money, cleared all of our paperwork, and we are waiting to be "matched." How does that work? Here's a basic timeline:

1. A birth mother hears about the agency and contacts them, stating she is interested in adoption. The agency visits with her, gathers background and health information, and makes sure she's aware of the implications and consequences of what she's doing.
2. They send out an anonymous summary of the situation to everyone in the waiting pool, containing as much relevant information (gender, health, family situation, etc.) as is available. Anyone interested replies that they are willing to be "shown" to this mother.
3. The mom looks through all the "profile books" (collections of pictures and letters we send to the agency for this purpose) and makes a choice. Usually, there is an interview or two. If all this goes smoothly, you are now "matched."

Much happens after this, of course. Birth, care, renunciation of rights, court dates, fees...and more. But that's all still in the future for us, so I'll write about that when it happens.

How Can You Pray For Those Seeking Adoption?

First, know that anyone adopting does covet your prayers. It can be a long, uncertain, frustrating road--with all the uncertainties of adding a new immortal soul to a family, but with many more potential complications. Prayer is powerful, and it costs you nothing but a little time and focus. Please use it, if you can.

Most adopting families will need prayer for three things: wisdom on all the choices they need to make, financial cares, and for the child and birth parents they long to meet. I've introduced you to many of the choices to be made above, so I won't elaborate on them here. Simply pray that we will make the right choices and rest in God's peace after making them. 

As for financials, Molly and I are currently fine here (many of you have been very generous, for which we thank you again) but this can be a serious burden for many seeking to adopt. I've occasionally been asked "How much does this whole thing cost?" It can vary wildly based on medical costs (usually either the adopting parents or Medicaid cover these) and agency and legal fees. But in round numbers, most of the agencies we looked at tell you to plan for somewhere between $25,000 to $100,000-plus, start to finish. If you know others seeking adoption, donating can be a powerful way to help.

Last, pray for the birth parents and the baby. It goes without saying that those giving up children for adoption are usually in less-than-ideal circumstances. Poor choices (and the guilt that comes with them) are a heavy burden for both mother and baby--and often the adopting couple later--to bear. Praying for wisdom and peace, particularly in what to say and how after the matching begins, would be a great choice to lift up to heaven's throne. 

We would also appreciate the simple prayer that a child is actually put up for us to adopt. Contrary to what you'd expect, the agency we work with has said that the number of kids up for adoption has dropped since Dobbs was passed, while the number of people seeking adoption has increased slightly! Also, pray that our lawmakers would legislate sexual righteousness--about a quarter of the couples we see seeking adoption in any of our online meetings are homosexuals. It would be wonderful if we could prevent more kids from winding up in hell-holes of confusion and rebellion, through no fault of their own.

I hope that has been helpful. If you're interested in more particulars, feel free to reach out. Otherwise, keep an eye on these channels for future updates. God has great things in store for us--hopefully sooner than later. Blessings!

James and Molly